Author: Campbell, Bruce

In charge of EVERYTHING
Monday night, I was playing at the Taco Jam, and during the break, I was regaling my buddy Chris Smith with what I would do if I was in charge of Everything. Perhaps I was scaring Chris bit, because he seemed to step backwards as I pontificated, saying ?Hey, you should write about this, man. This could be your column!? I took the hint and backed down.

As I sit here, watching the election returns on TV (don?t know at this writing who?s gonna win), I?m reflecting on Chris? comment. Yes, I think, the world is ready to hear what I would do if I was in charge of Everything.

First and foremost, I would fix the rain thing. As a Californian, I know that there are really only two types of rain: Rain that causes floods and mudslides, and rain that refuses to fall, causing droughts. This needs to be dealt with immediately. My solution? It should rain every single night for two hours, between the hours of 3 and 5 AM. The air would be clean, the grass would be green, and no ball game would ever be rained out. It?s so simple really.

Secondly, there would be no such thing as single-ply toilet paper. A greater fraud has never been perpetrated on the public that this. Single-ply toilet paper is good for absolutely nothing. It simply isn?t adequate for ANY task. It causes uncertainty and fearful trepidation wherever it goes, and it must be stamped out. No more single-ply toilet tissue ? this I promise you.

Toothpaste would have the ingredients on the tube. Everything else we put in our mouth has the ingredients listed, but not toothpaste. Everything else we put in our mouths we could guess what is in it, but toothpaste remains a mystery, and I think it is time the mystery was solved. I?m sure toothpaste is made of perfectly safe stuff, but I?d like to know.

For musicians, I would make it to the end of every string was dull, rather than sharp. I am so tired of being impaled on guitar and banjo strings ? sometimes when changing strings and sometimes just standing next the guy playing a stringed instrument. How does that little pointy end find my flesh with such deadly aim? I don?t know, but it has to stop, and if I was in charge of Everything, I promise you it would stop.

On the government side, I would make it a requirement that anytime a new president comes into office, there is automatically a committee charged with investigating the new president. I know this happens all the time anyway ? I am just saying let?s make it official policy. Anybody that dares to be president needs to be able to endure this scrutiny. And any president that can survive this scrutiny will probably be a good president.

Finally (although I could go on and on), when I am in charge of Everything, during any election, the candidates will only able to utter the truth, and then only about what they will do for their constituents, rather that what their opponents would do. It will make things easier for everybody.
Posted:  11/5/2008

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