Author: Judd, Brooks

Ten Items or Less--Signs

Item 1: On our front door hangs a neatly written sign that reads: “If you are a friend, neighbor, or relative, please knock or ring. If none of the above, please go away.”*** (Girl Scouts selling cookies and students selling chocolate bars for their schools of course are WELCOME)

Now you may think that my sign might represent some sort of anti-social behavior. That is not the case. I believe they do represent the feelings of a person who does not want strangers approaching the confines of his castle with the hopes of selling some sort of house wares, magazines, religion, or to partake in a “nationally known” survey on whether or not cats make better pets than dogs.

Some folks may think that my sign might represent some sort of anti-social behavior. I don't believe so. I believe that they do represent the feelings of a person who does not want strangers approaching the confines of his castle with the hopes of selling some sort of houseware, magazine, religion, or to participate in a "nationally known"survey on whether or not cats make better pets that dogs. I cherish my privacy. I toyed with the idea of installing a crocodile laden moat equipped with a state of the art electronically activated draw bridge mechanism. After careful consideration and intricate planning I came to the conclusion that this project would take care of my problem. My plan was a sound one until I considered the cost of crocodile upkeep. Pity.

A couple of days ago I heard a knock on my door. I lifted my aging, tired, 64 soon to be 65 year old body out of my comfortable chair and after carefully setting down my crossword puzzle and Bic pen, I wondered what friend, neighbor, or relative would be knocking on my door. I pasted a smile on my face and answered the door. Standing a few feet away from the door were two well dressed young men, sporting well scrubbed faces beaming at me. They were each carefully cradling a couple of well worn Bibles. I did my best to maintain my smile even though they did not look like a friend, neighbor, or relative. I swung open my safety metal screen door and stepped out onto the porch.

I was greeted with, “Hello, sir I am James and this is Brother Jack. Do you have a few minutes to talk to us about the Mormon Church?” Their bright youthful faces radiated warmth, which was completely lost on me because I did not recognize them as a neighbor, friend, or relative.

Even though my territory had been infiltrated I was not rude nor did I slam the door in their smiling faces. In a low calm voice I responded in a kind way, and placed a bony digit directly on my little sign. “Fellas, did you take the time to read my sign?” I waited a couple of seconds for a reply. When no response was given I went into my own spiel about working twelve years with some really nice Mormon folks at KFC and how I had learned about their families and their religion. In fact some of the folks I worked with turned out to be individuals I admired greatly.

After I had finished (they were patient listeners) they smiled and said, “But brother, so much good news has happened since then. “ I patiently tapped the sign again this time with two digits and paused for a few seconds and looking them straight in the eyes I said,” I really don’t wish to be rude but there is a reason why this sign is hanging here upon my door on my porch on my soon to be paid off in full property. By knocking on my door, you chose to ignore this carefully worded sign. You’re actually violating my rights to privacy.” They momentarily lowered their heads.

When they raised their heads we made eye contact, and I suddenly remembered Rick’s column from a couple of weeks ago. I had an idea. “Listen, guys, I have a friend up in Sonora named Rick who would just love to chat with you.” The two young men smiled. “There is a catch. You have to give him 15 minutes to share his own deep rooted philosophical views on the world. Sound fair?” They both smiled and nodded as I quickly jotted down Ricks name and address for them.

As they left I yelled out to them, “If either one of you is a stone mason, cabinet maker, or a tile worker, be sure to let Rick know. I do believe he is hiring.” They smiled, waved, and hopped on their bicycles and pedaled off to knock on my neighbor’s door where I believe no sign is hanging.

Item 2: As of this writing the government is on the verge of a partial economic shut down. Whether or not you are a Republican, Democrat, Independent, Socialist, or Green Party member do you wonder that if the government does shut down will all those congressmen, senators and representatives continue to get their monthly checks and premium Cadillac health care benefits? Somehow I get the funny feeling that all those folks will not be hurt by their inability to compromise.

Item 3: The smell of freshly mowed grass is in the air and that means only one thing. Spring training is upon us and it seems like only yesterday when my beloved SF Giants, the Good Old Black and Gold swept the Detroit Tigers and became Champions of the World!
Except for one or two postings the message board was silent about this great feat. The same thing happened when the SF 49ers went to the Super Bowl. Little if anything was posted about the game, even though a local Turlock boy was leading the 49ers at quarterback. It appears the CBA message board has been reclaimed by the traditionalists. No blood has been shed and no hard feelings have been absorbed.

Item 4: In light of the above mentioned I would just like to briefly say, “YEA! GO GIANTS IN 2013!”

Until April, read a book, hug a child, pet a dog, stroke a cat, eat a chocolate bar, and enjoy the coming of spring.

Posted:  3/1/2013

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