Author: Campbell, Bruce

The Annual Read That No One Will Column

Once again, I find myself alone and a little frightened in the cavernous CBA offices during the week of Father’s Day. I, being neither retired, semi-retired, trust funded or otherwise independently wealthy, am compelled to work most of the week while everybody else is off at the Bluegrass Disneyland.

So, lonely, and embittered, I content myself to holding a solitary vigil at the CBA’s posh headquarters. In years past, I have found solace in nosing around the personal office and cubicles of the Directors of the CBA Board. You can tell a lot about people by rummaging through their personal stuff, and what better time to do so, then when they’re all off flaunting their conspicuous wealth?

This year promises to be very interesting, since we have some new Board members for a change. I have to say, they’re an interesting and hard working lot. But, being rookies, they don’t get real offices yet – just cubicles. People do tend to personalize their workspaces, so let’s see what we can learn, shall we?

Let’s stop by Steve Goldfield’s cubicle. Steve is highly respected, despite his affinity for old time music. Looking around his work area, I see that he takes old time pretty

seriously. Besides the obvious trappings of the genre (an ancient open-back banjo leans casually against a file cabinet, and there’s a professional grade jaw’s harp in a custom Calton case), there are some surprising touches, such as an autographed photo of Steve with Estelle Getty, and a well worn red flannel union suit draped over his chair.

Moving onto Jack’s cubicle, I am disappointed in its austerity. I expected some more personal touches from Mr. Hyland. There’s some nice pictures of he and Christine and Angelica Grim – perfectly understandable. I’m going to have to open some desk drawers to the find the REAL Jack Hyland, I am thinking. I didn’t have to look far. In the bottom right hand drawer, there’s a large, hinged mahogany box. I pull it carefully out and open it, and my jaw drops. It is a 60-piece handcrafted German mustache maintenance kit. Snippers, waxers, shapers, tweezers, trimmers – along with the whetstones and sharpeners to keep the fine implements in tip top working order – wow! (Somewhere, Frank Solivan is howling in envy!)

I stop in and check out Geoff Sargent’s cubicle, and it looks familiar – why? It’s perfectly organized, in impeccable order, with everything in the exact right place, all right angles and spit polish. Then I realize why it’s so familiar – it looks just like Montie Elston’s office! Well, I was able to find some of Montie’s deep secrets, so let’s see what Geoff doesn’t want me to see. I carefully look through some desk and file drawers, and encounter the same spooky perfection. I decide to delve further, and then -- taped UNDER one of the drawers, I find it – the entire Boxed Set Collector’s Edition of Debbie Boone’s Greatest Hits, on cassette. Well, that’s not so bad. She has lit up quite a few lives – why not Geoff’s?

I’m starting to feel a little guilty for being so snoopy. I think I’ll just feed the piranhas a few sirloin strips and head for home. Maybe there’s a new episode of Chopped on tonight....
Posted:  6/13/2012

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